Wretched Redeemed Writer

There was always an outlet for me. But to run, I needed to be plugged into it, but I wasn’t. So all my little dirty secrets and fantasies turned into nonsense.

How can this make sense? These things didn’t have to be! How can that be? When all I ever needed was you to fuel me and give me that young energy.

What do you expect huh? You can’t act like the way I turned out was the way you planned it. NAH! I’ve been hurt, been worse.

Been down a lot. Hit the bottom plenty of times thankfully I didn’t rot… before I saw a light to speak life into me and give me a new meaning and make me eternally clean.

You see that place of despair is so close to hell I would rather just be there than to feel like you never cared…

But I love you anyway; so much more than you will ever know. …My heart breaks for you dad, and for that, ill make sure I see my babies grow.

Thank you dad, for doing your best. You were there when you wanted to be, so I guess at best..you were honest with me, about showing me exactly how not to be.

It has taught me more by the age of 36 than a lot of people realize. Even through all that pain I want you to see it through my eyes.

I don’t do this to hurt you. That doesn’t even come close. I do this because of how much I love you dad, cause if I didn’t, I would have let go a long time ago.

Do you feel my pain? Do you feel my pain!? This is love for you! Not selfish gain, I ain’t down for those self-motivated silly games.

I love you so much dad this is the only way to express it. If you could see me now you would say that I am a child you were truly blessed with.

I’m holding on dad! I will never let go. I chose to hang on through these tough challenges because you gave me the option to.

I have yelled. I have screamed. I have done and said things that I wish I didn’t mean.

I can say I didn’t mean them but I’m reminded of why I said them. At the time I’m caught up in the action which caused my outbursts. Some of the way I reacted is remembered as the worst.

Why couldn’t I be gentle? Why couldn’t I just show what I desired to see? Maybe because I had never seen it. I wish I knew what it was like to be caught up in love and a gentle spirit.

But I have to learn this lesson whether easy or hard, cause in my life, Its only Christ who has kept me thus far.

I love you dad. Don’t be embarrassed. What your oldest son has written here should give you some hope, maybe something to remember; maybe something to cherish.

I love you dad.